For as long as I can remember, I’ve struggled with feelings of loneliness, fear of abandonment, depression and anxiety. I liken it to what Paul describes in 2 Corinthians as “a thorn in my side”, the void in my heart that couldn’t seem to be filled. No matter how much I tried and worked on being a better me, there was always something missing. And now I know why.
“You were a twin.”, she blurted out. “Wait…what?” I think that’s how I responded (my head’s a bit fuzzy). I do remember scrambling to get my kids a snack to occupy them while I listened to her tell what would make my entire life thus far make sense.
A few months into her pregnancy, my mother miscarried my twin (no I did not eat her). “Is this why I’ve always felt like a part of me has been missing?” I asked in a rhetorical manner. I told my mom I had to go. I could not even formulate any more words or process my thoughts fast enough to wrap my head around anything else that was being said…she said a lot.
My husband, in true fashion, walked in the front door right on time. He just held me as I wept. “Why didn’t she tell me before?! Why now?”
Growing up I would say with confidence, ” I am going to have twins!” I was always so fascinated with them; especially with the gene running strong in my family, I truly believed I would carry them. Some of my closes friends were twins; and now I work with twins, but not once did it ever cross my mind that I was one.
For weeks I had been wrestling with the Lord and had an honest conversation with Him. “Lord, it seems as though no matter how much I pray, read, fast, and go to church, the void I feel in my heart feels unbearable at times. As much as I love you Jesus, you don’t feel like enough. I’m sorry, but it feels like something is missing.” Don’t worry, God is not intimidated by honesty; He actually prefers it and welcomes it. I ended the conversation by asking the Lord to make me whole.
I even sat with Zachary just days before the conversation with my mom and I told him, “Something is wrong with me. I feel like I have attachment issues and I need therapy.” I had spiralled into anxiety after making a new friend. This isn’t my first rodeo, so my awareness of what I was feeling led to more questions. I didn’t want what has happened in my friendships, to happen again, so what do I need to do different? There were lots of questions I asked myself and the Lord.
The first person I reached out to, after telling Zachary, was my twin friend Laura. She knows the life of a twin and has been like a sister to me for years. After the initial shock of the new found information about me, she went on to confirm that my void had indeed come from missing my person. She shared a story that made so much sense of my attachment style; especially with friends. I’ve spent time recently researching and reading articles that point to all the things the surviving twin could experience in life. I told Laura, “I’m not a weirdo! This whole time all of my feelings were because something was missing. I knew it, but I couldn’t figure out what it was and now I know!” Like a good sister, she listened to me cry and reassured me that I would be more than ok, like many times before when I didn’t think I’d make it. How kind of our Heavenly Father to give me a twin friend for the journey of discovery. He knew this day would come and made sure I had someone in my corner.
At some point I will share more details of the conversation (via messages) with my mother and how the Lord was actually speaking to me about all this before it happened. There’s so much to unpack here and I can imagine this will be quite the process. All the feelings and emotions on shuffle all at once or taking turns, can be overwhelming. Again, I remind myself of the sufficiency of God’s grace. The same grace that carried me as a little girl and young adult when I struggled with my identity, and to connect in a healthy way with others while trying to fill a legit void, will be the same grace that will continue to carry me as I navigate the truth that has set me free.
“So to keep me from becoming conceited because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to harass me, to keep me from becoming conceited.”
2 Corinthians 12:7 ESV
“So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.”-John 8:36 ESV
“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.”- 2 Corinthians 12:9 ESV
Pictures:
Laura & I at my drive-thru baby shower she hosted for me during Covid.
And a quick visit on her way back to Texas ❤
gazellegatherings.com 
Love you my friend! Thank you for always being there for me!