I had been wrestling with the Lord and decided it was time to have an honest conversation with Him. “Lord, it seems as though no matter how much I pray, read, fast, or go to church, the void I feel in my heart feels unbearable at times. As much as I love you Jesus, you don’t feel like enough. I’m sorry, but it feels like something is missing.” Don’t worry, God is not intimidated by the honesty of our feelings; He actually prefers it and welcomes it. I ended the conversation by asking the Lord to make me whole. I prayed from a broken and humble place, “Lord, I want to be made whole.”
The next morning I had dream. In this dream I was asleep and dreaming. I was dreaming about all of the houses I lived in growing up. Each house played like a movie reel, every detail of what took place in each home was happening all at once very fast. Within the dream I saw a vision of a lion, resting on a cloud. The lion began to roar and the dream version of me started weeping more and more with each roar getting louder. When I woke up, I knew the Lord was declaring healing over me, my childhood, and my home life growing up.
Just a couple days after having this dream, I called my mother. Maybe 10 min into the conversation she blurted out, “You were a twin! I told you before.” she expressed in the short conversation we had. But that’s not the truth. I was aware that she had a miscarriage before me; it was never explained to me that she miscarried my twin. I stand firm on this belief – she would have never told me if it weren’t for the prayer I prayed inviting the Lord into my brokenness; He answered me through her revealing the truth about my identity.
It’s been almost two months since I learned the truth, at least the most important part. Since then I have spoken to my mother once. I returned her phone call, with really no expectation, but with the goal of saying what I needed to say. She repeated herself again, stating she told me before, then turned around and said, things have been buried so deep, she forgot. I don’t buy it one bit. I didn’t have the knowledge of my twin, but all these years, my heart and body remembered belonging with someone else. So it would take more than trauma to make you forget losing a baby.
The question I’ve gotten the most is, “Why did she wait so long to tell you?” To keep it short, sweet (sour) and to the point, I believe she didn’t tell me sooner because it was a form of control over me. I’ve always had a really complicated relationship with her, but all of that makes perfect sense as to why now. Any relationship would be tough if you were withholding vital information from the other party (no matter the reason). My mother will never tell me the full truth because, if I’m to be honest, you can’t tell the truth if you don’t know WHO the truth is (Jesus).
My world has been unraveling in the best way. I mean, I did ask for this after all. It’s painfully beautiful. Grief is weird. God is good. He has shown up for me in the sweetest ways that keeps me grounded in His keeping power. I’ve had to make really tough decisions, but I’m determined to be who God has called me to be. Some days I don’t feel like I’m in my body, but I’m becoming. It’s all a part of the process.
This too shall pass.
“The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.”- Psalm 51:17
“…If you abide in my word, you are truly my disciples, and you will know the truth and the truth will set you free.”- John 8:32
“So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.”-John 8:36
gazellegatherings.com 