We all have a story to tell; maybe even several stories to share. But maybe there’s one that you let define you and now you clothe yourself daily with the shame of “shoulda, coulda, woulda.” You may also find that some of your beliefs stem from what you believed “should have been” instead of “what could be”. I know for me, being sexually abused at the age of 7 led me down a path of shame and regret. That summer day I was allowed to play with my neighbours, a brother and sister, turned into something that should not have happened, but it did. What am I going to do with it now that it has? I could go down the list of things I did because of that trauma. Honestly, I don’t want to. I don’t want to relive those memories over and over by sharing the details of stories. The thing is, I know that we overcome by the blood of the lamb and the word of our testimony (Revelation 12:11). So in knowing that my victory lies within letting go, I press on and hope to encourage someone along the way.
Some years ago, while headed to the beach for a few days, a friend was sharing how he had been dealing a lot with his past trauma and such. I was in and out of the conversation because 2 kids into my marriage, I was sleepy. I do recall him saying though, “Don’t go looking for that stuff, unless the Lord is leading you.” Well, I went searching with the leading of the Holy Spirit, who guides us into all truth, and I found what I was looking for.
Laying in bed one night, with tears running down my face, as my husband slept next to me, I silently cried out to God. Being at my wits end trying to figure myself out and fix me. “Why do I feel this way? When did this all start? What happened?” And just like that, I had a flash back. I remembered how our backyard looked over to the neighbours backyard. I pictured the house, and then I was in the basement. I saw a little boy around my age or a little older and the shadow of one of his two sisters. It was dark, but a tv was on. He told me to do something and then it went completely dark. Until that moment I had forgotten.
“Zach, Zach, babe, I remember now, I remember what happened to me!” Abruptly, I woke my husband out of his sleep, as I cried telling him what I saw and what I remembered based off the flashback. I’m not sure how long the conversation lasted, but we were able to unpack how sexual abuse; especially at such young age, altered my brain chemistry and because of how long sexual abuse went on in my life (into my college years), all the residue was stored in my body. I, for the life of me, alone could not figure out why I struggled with same sex attraction, I mean aside from the obvious, that women are beautiful, it was deeper than that and with the help of the Holy Spirit (Our Helper) I was able to unravel these parts of my story at the right time.
I will admit I was in a same sex relationship for a short time while in high school. That experience taught me way more than I bargained for, but I left that relationship knowing that I was not a lesbian and that wasn’t the lifestyle God had ever intended for me to live. So, I submitted my sexuality to God and vowed that no matter how much or how long I struggled, I would never do that again. And I haven’t. I have also come to learn that deliverance is a process. Being so determined to prove my peers wrong about my sexuality I found myself giving my virginity away to the first guy who showed interest in me. And the next guy I trusted so carelessly with my body, gave me a date rape drug and bragged to his friends about it before I found myself waking up with a headache, half clothed, stolen phone and money missing from my purse and the day gone. All of these experiences have had me weighed down with guilt and shame on top of carrying anxiety and depression. It should have never happened, but it did. Now I know where it all started and through it all God had worked it out and is still working it out for my good.
I was raised under the pews of a pentecostal church from the time I was a baby, until middle school and then a non- denominational church from then on. Couple that with an abusive (sexual, mental, physical, emotional) background, that leaves a lot of room for all the questions. Although I was taught not to question God, I have had my fair share of questions when it comes to Him. My view on God, the church and the world has been a process of undoing and becoming; especially in the past 3 years because of my understanding of how both backgrounds altered my view and perception of the other.
The part of my church upbringing I appreciate though, is the foundation it laid in having a relationship with the Lord, through worship, reading His written word, and even participating in communion. I didn’t always know God, but there was a desire to know Him. Although it hasn’t been without its ups and downs, I’ve learned to walk with Him. I’ve learned and am still learning my identity in Christ. Not my will, but His and the more I lay down my sinful will and delight in Him, His desires become my hearts desires (Psalm 37:4).
It’s been a year since that night of remembering and it feels like all that I thought I knew about myself has all been washed away by truth & grace. Now, I’m learning how to move forward in that same vein of truth and grace. Most days I find myself telling God over and over, “Thank you Lord for saving my life.” because I know exactly where I’d be without Him, so I can’t help but thank Him. And there are some days when I wonder how different my life could have been had my innocence not been taken from me. Yet, here I stand having forgiven those who harmed me and myself for what I thought was my fault and the things I did because of it all.
I’m thankful for the handful of people who have walked with me through all of these years, knowing parts of my story and still extended me grace. Their prayers, love and guidance have held me up when I didn’t know up from down; they have been a safe place. Because of the grace extended to me as well as the times it wasn’t from some, I’ve done my best to be a place where people could share their burden and lighten the load. If that’s been your experience of needing a safe place to land, I’ll be there for you as we are encouraged to in Galatians 6:1-3. Sexual abuse may not be a part of your story, but if there is anything you don’t want to carry alone and just need to talk through, I’ll be a gracious listening ear and cover you in prayer.
As for me, I will continue to seek the Lord with my whole heart and by His grace, live a life pleasing to Him, as I heal & move forward on this journey.
Tabitha
gazellegatherings.com 